Oh Robert Rodriguez, how you continue to make me slam my head against my computer. Sure Rodriguez makes good movies, not lately but he has, but I cannot understand his love for the Spy Kids franchise. The first one was cute but after two they’ve become kids’ films for kids who must like torture. His latest film, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World, probably takes the award for worst movie of the year! From the lack of story to the lowest forms of humor there is nothing whatsoever to enjoy in the latest Spy Kids.
Marissa Cortez (Jessica Alba) is a retired spy for the OSS who has recently had a child with her husband Wilbur (Joel McHale). She’s also the stepmother to two young children, Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook). When Marissa is pulled back into the OSS to stop the evil Time Keeper (Jeremy Piven) from bringing about the end of time itself, her stepchildren accidentally get swept up into the Spy Kids world.
What did I like…what did I like? The fact that it was 89 minutes was probably the film’s only saving grace, barely an hour and a half! I also liked eating snacks while watching this as it took away from the film on the screen.
Honestly there is nothing to enjoy about this movie, NOTHING! The story is a hodgepodge of far better films from Mr. and Mrs. Smith to the original Spy Kids. The idea of Marissa being some type of relative to the original Cortez children could have been used for a lot more but was just used as a way to shamelessly bring back the original Cortez children. Why the original Cortez kids couldn’t helm this film is beyond me, possibly just stunt casting to put Alba into it. The humor is so low I was gagging from sheer disgust. Almost all the jokes are the result of someone going to the bathroom or vomiting. Sometimes it’s a combination of both! This love of vomit and poop even extends into Rodriguez’s love of Aroma-Scope, a card that you scratch and sniff at certain points in the movie. After scratching 2 I was done and thank goodness because about 2 more scents were scented to something I could have smelled going into a gas station bathroom!
The story, what little there is, is also illogical with characters being complete idiots. How Wilbur doesn’t notice a secret room in his house is beyond me. Marissa constantly puts her infant in danger, citing her as “backup,” and almost the entire script is written in puns about time. When lines like “time will be run out…in no time” you start to wonder if Rodriguez just let his kids write the script. The child actors, Blanchard and Cook, are cute and nothing more. Alba continues to just expect to get away with anything by smiling and McHale is just present in the movie. Oh there is that scene where he bemoans the fact he can’t protect his kids…and decides to leave them!
How I sat through 89 minutes of this is beyond me. Thankfully it was a matinee…and even then I felt I wasted MY time and money. I could end this paragraph with a bunch of time jokes but I won’t stoop to Rodriguez’s level. Shame on you Robert Rodriguez, shame!
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